we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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