This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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