Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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