his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
