I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
