checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
