Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
