If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
