Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
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