my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
