i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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