I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
