Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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