My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
