I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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