I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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