She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
