Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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