did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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