Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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