You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
