come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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