You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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