I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Everyone says I win the strip club
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
