hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I forget how to act sober
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
