oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
They are going to name an STD after you.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
