i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
