I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This is the high leading the old right now
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
