Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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