I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The beer is more important than you right now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
