I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
