I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
