Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
