Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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