I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
