he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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