walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
