She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
