the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
