Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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