my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
