Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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