someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
