Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
