I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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