How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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