Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
