I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
