I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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