He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
