Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
